Trail – Will I ever get there?

I woke up totally buzzing with what I’d done. Suddenly the tears and the hating it and the frustration seemed to pale into a distant memory (is that what child birth is like) and all I could remember is the feeling of pride when it was all over.

And then I tried to get out of bed and every muscle in my body reminded me that I’m no athlete yet! I also have a rather large bruise in a rather intimate place, which I think I remember doing when I sat on a particularly pointy rock for one of Tom’s photos!

I left nan’s at 8am and was chipping down the motorway feeling very smug. I was listening to radio 2 (well, I have just turned 26) and they played a song from Take That’s new album. It was called Shine and it hit such a chord with me I almost started crying again! I’ve just googled the lyrics:

You, you’re such a big star to me
You’re everything I wanna be
But you’re stuck in a hole and I want you to get out
I don’t know what there is to see
But I know it’s time for you to leave
We’re all just pushing along
Trying to figure it out, out, out.

Don’t you let your demons pull you down
‘Cause you can have it all, you can have it all.

I thought it was kind of ironic that I should hear that as I was driving down the motorway to start six months of changing my life.

So many people have asked me if I had a good time since I got back… and if I’m honest I’d have to say that there were certain bits of it I hated and detested – constantly being at the back and feeling like everyone was looking at me with pity or being frustrated with me for holding them back was the big one.

What was lovely was that when we got back to the youth hostel the other five victims went off home and I changed my shoes before saying goodbye. I went over to Graham, Claire and Darren and they were so full of warmth and congratulations for achieving something. And it wasn’t patronising – they seemed genuinely appreciative of what I’d managed to do, even though I’d probably ruined their trip and made it take twice as long as it should have!

Things I think I learnt about me:

1. I need to set my own level of what I do and not try and judge myself by what other people can do. I need some Darren blinkers!

2. I need to build the strength in my legs.

3. When I think there is no strength in my legs, there is.

4. Lots of small steps may take longer, but they hurt less than taking the quickest route with big steps.

Things I learned about Trail staff:

1. They are lovely and have the patience of saints – god knows what they must have thought of me!

2. The golden rule of always walking at the pace of the slowest person doesn’t apply (probably with good reason where I’m concerned – it would have been dark)!

3. They don’t stop for rests or lunch!

I only had to go as far as my nan’s in Wolverhampton that night, but I stopped at some services on the M6 with the intention of going to the toilet and then buying a huge bottle of coke to fix my sugar craving. By some bizarre coincidence I ran into Sian in the toilets. She was worried I’d been demoralised and wouldn’t take any further part in the academy. I have to say she’s partly right – the walk was harder than I was lead to believe it would be, but in a funny way that has only inspired me to want to do more, and the only thing stopping me really is myself!

With Darren’s words about everything you put in your mouth being a conscious choice, I went to the shop and bought apple juice instead of coke. Small steps and all that.

I could barely move when I got to my nan’s – my knees feel like gravel and all the veins on my legs were sticking out. I even started shaking when I got into bed. And this walking malarkey is supposed to be good for you!!

After the pile of rocks with the spike on top, it really was time to begin the descent, and this was nice because everyone stayed together a lot more and we had chance to chat. Downhill was hard, but nowhere near as hard as uphill! Darren had some good tips for us on how to strengthen our knees and I had a few feature ideas for Claire – she is so lucky to be in what must be her dream job!

Despite it being “all down-hill from here” (That was Graham, again!) there were a couple of short, steep ascents, during which I started to get cramps in my legs. I’ve never had this before so it was a bit of a shock but the best thing to do was have a little stretch and just try and keep going!

We came to a huge cave where Molly had fun pulling tree-trunks around in the water. It was huge – amazing! We were passed by someone pushing a buggy, which didn’t make me feel great (almost as bad as being overtaken by a heavily pregnant woman going up catbells!). The light was fading and I could sense we were getting near home, so my heart did sink a bit when Tom said he thought we were still about an hour out of Ambleside. Still, at least it was all more or less flat from then on!

Sian is scared of sheep and I’m no fan of cows, so we were quite pleased to have Darren with us when our paths were blocked by both as we approached the park in Ambleside!

I don’t know if it was the mention of tea shop, or the fact that I was completely exhausted but as we got closer to the town the gap between me and the rest of the group widened until they were almost totally out of sight… but thankfully they stopped at the cafe and I caught them up for tea and cake.

And then it really was over and we headed back to the youth hostel.

Up until now, only Claire and Darren (and Tom after I confessed to him later on) know about this bit of the trip, but I’ve decided to write about it here because I think there could be other people who are just as unfit as me out there, and hearing that I really struggled might make them feel a bit better about their struggling. Something like that anyway!

It’s no secret in my family that I throw tantrums on hills and refuse to go any further, but I’d given myself a talking to and told myself to just try my hardest and not act like a four year old in the company of ten people I didn’t know. And I really thought I could do it. And I pride myself on nobody but Andy seeing me cry these days. Boy, did I fail on both counts on that one!

I thought I had it all under control and I’d just conquered a horrible set of steps cut into the path with some help and cajoling from Darren (we decided I need blinkers, because I’m always worrying about where everyone else is, whether I’m holding them back and whether there’s another hill over the top of this one) and I was actually walking with lots of people instead of on my own. I remember it so clearly – I was walking up a grassy hill, starting to struggle and everyone around me was just discussing the last episode of Blue Planet. Here was I, dying, and there they were just chatting like they were strolling along the high street! It was then that I realised I was actually the only unfit person on that trip and I was so angry – at myself for being so rubbish and at everyone else on the trip for some reason or other. My eyes filled up and I tried to turn around before anyone saw but within an instant Darren and Claire, my guardian angels, were there. I think I only had the chance to let two tears out before they had spurred me on again with their motivational talk… and it helped that at the top of the next hill it looked like everyone had stopped for lunch!

I don’t think anyone else saw and I don’t think Claire or Darren told anyone, but that was kind of a turning point for me. I remember Darren saying something like I had to reach the point where I realised that my head and my body were in completely different places (my mind wants to, and is frustrated that I cant, whereas my legs just can’t!) before I could gee myself up and keep going.

And I did keep going…as Claire pointed out when I reached the top: “Look Sarah, you said your legs didn’t work and they’re still moving!”

Apparently though, this wasn’t lunch, and Graham wanted to reach something called the trig point (looked like a big pile of rocks with a spike on top to me) before we stopped for lunch. We all crammed in a sandwich (after Tom had photographed our lunches) before moving on just in case, and good job too, because we never did stop for lunch!

Finally we were all kitted up and everyone who should have arrived had arrived, including Molly, Graham’s little black labrador who was very cute and had a “pah…I climb these hills every day” cockiness about her walk which amused me no end. Unfortunately she’d been trained not to pull, so that was plan A out of the window!

We had to walk into town first to sort out some jackets and sandwiches, and I’m not ashamed to admit I was glad when we reached the shops and could sit down. On the way Sian and I were chatting to Claire about what we like and don’t like about the magazine and I was pleased to hear that I’m not the only one who doesn’t know what the Wainright count and munro ratings are…but I do now thanks to Claire!

And then we reached the bottom of the zig zag. I think the phrase “You are having a complete giraffe” may have escaped my lips, but to be honest I think I have blanked most of it out of my mind as it was so horrid! All the people who must have lied on their applications and said they were unfit just strolled up the hill while I was so much slower. My big surprise was just how much slower my comfortable walking pace was than some of the others’!

It was then that I got my first taste of just how patient Claire Maxted is – the woman deserves a medal. It wasn’t even that I was out of breath and struggling, I just had no power in my legs. I learned how to walk in zig-zags across the path to level it out a bit and that really helped. Of course when I reached the top of that bit, everyone else had been there for a while and had a nice rest, but the intriguing thing was that my heartrate had only increased by about 10bpm, whereas theirs had risen more dramatically. Darren tried to explain this away as me having found my comfortable pace, but it didn’t really make me feel any better about being at the back.

The Sarah at the back, everyone else storming off in front theme continued for about the next hour, until we had a nice stop so that Tom could take some photos (I had to put my hat on to control my hair so I’m a bit worried I will look like Crystal tips). This was good because I finally got to talk to some of the other five victims before we set off again.

I am holding Sian responsible for what I did next! I went scrambling! Graham wanted to show us how to do some simple stuff and I wasn’t going to join in but Sian just looked at me and said: “You’ve got to take every opportunity, and where better than here to try it out.” She was so right, and I wish I just had a pinch of her attitude instead of constantly telling myself I wouldn’t be able to do stuff. We do so much stuff with the Guides that I just watch – like abseiling, because I’m worried that the harness wont fit or wont take my weight – and I really need to snap out of that. Scrambling wasn’t difficult, but I wish I just had a bit more strength to pull myself around. I guess it’s like an average person with another average person on their back – no wonder I was so far behind.

Tom had carried six enormous white cards all the way up the hill (as well as his camera gear, and here was I thinking I had it tough) that each had a word written on them to make up “Please help me get fit!”. We had to climb up and each hold one of the cards for a photo – no mean feat when it’s blowing a gale on Loughrigg! Good fun though, and I was still buzzing from the scrambling, so tripped up the hill like a mountain goat (a fat one, in a back pack).

By the way, the next time you read Trail and someone writes that a route has a steep start and is then undulating, that means that it’s pretty much uphill all the way. And when they classify a walk as easy, that means it’s easy for someone who does three or four of these walks a week. So I was screwed on both counts.

And so it went on…

The alarm on Claire’s mobile went off at 7:30am and we all pretended we hadn’t heard it until she reminded us we had to get up and have breakfast. Everyone seemed strangely subdued at breakfast, probably a combination of being really tired and just not knowing what we were going to get up to that day.

We headed to the boxes of clothes after breakfast, and there were piles and piles of stuff – thank you Blacks!

We were intending to test their new Technicals range so they’d sent a heavy waterproof with fleece inside, a fleece, neck gaiter, hat and gloves from that range, base layer top and trousers, waterproof trousers and some leather blacks walking boots for each person, and some casual trousers for the men.

As expected, the waterproof and waterproof trousers didn’t fit me but I did come away with base layers, hat, neck gaiter, gloves and boots, which were excellent. I got really excited at the fact that the fleece fitted me until I noticed that everyone else had Technicals fleeces and mine was Peter Storm, so I quietly slipped it into the bag and put my Berghaus back on. Apologies if that makes me a brand snob or an ungrateful so-and-so! Note to Blacks – if I’ve got down to a size 18 in six months time, I’ll be coming back for my waterproof, fleece and trousers! Thank you!

All packed, and with more than a little trepidation, I set off from Winchester at 2pm, having kept what I was doing a secret. My boss seemed to think I was heading for a job interview – I decided not to enlighten her!

The slog up the motorways didn’t take as long as I thought it would and the M6 was uncharacteristically kind, which meant I arrived at Ambleside youth hostel at 7:30pm. I had a couple of texts from Andy telling me he was proud of me and how he wished he was there on the way up which made me smile, but I wished he was there too – so imagine how unamused I was when I reached reception to see that two of the other participants also had their husbands on the signing in list! Hmph!

The place was deserted but the man on reception told me that there was already a woman in room 123 so I headed up there, desperatly hoping that she would at least have the decency to be half as fat as me. On the way up I was following a tall, slim woman, and it didn’t dawn on me until she stopped outside room 123 that she must be one of the six too. It was at this point I realised that my definition of unfit would probably differ from everyone else’s. The thin woman was Jess, who was lovely. And she had four children – four!!

We stayed in the room for a bit but nobody else appeared so we went back downstairs where we met Sian (another thin and not remotely unfit person – trained as police officer!), closely followed by Richard (booked to climb Kilimanjaro next year – don’t know about you but that doesn’t say unfit to me), Simon from Trail and Tom the photographer. Then Claire and Ruth from Trail arrived with the news that we weren’t going to be shopping in Blacks in the morning as they had sent five enormous boxes of stuff to the youth hostel for us to wear the next day. I had found a kindred shopping spirit in Sian and was surprised to see that even she was worried that the stuff wouldn’t fit. I guess everyone has something – with me it’s size, with her it’s short legs. So that was eye-opening and reassuring at the same time.

None of us were overjoyed to hear that it was a 20 minute walk to the pub, but we plugged on regardless and got there eventually, where we met Graham from Trail and fitness trainer Darren. Somehow I ended up sat opposite Darren, and felt obliged to order small portions of everything!

Somewhere in the course of the meal we were joined by Steve (another police officer!) and Emma (another one going up Kilimanjaro!). There were no embarassing silences like you sometimes get when you throw a group of people together and the meal was really nice. I managed to get some details of the walk for the next day out of Graham, and he assured me there were three steep zigzags up to the fell and then it was all level or undulating (more on that damned undulating word later I think!)

We all headed back to the youth hostel and were so tired that we just climbed into the bunk beds and turned out the light. I’d had a cold all week so was paranoid about snoring, but I don’t think I did!

I remember going to sleep hoping that it was all a dream and I’d wake up to be joined by five genuinely unfit, fat people in the morning…